Thoughts from December 12

1. I'm glad I'm not a BYU-I. I'm wearing my one pair of non-skinny jeans. I'm not a huge fan. I love my skinny jeans.
2. Mondays are hard when the office is FREEZING!!!
3. I really need to get more sleep.
4. I need ideas for quick and easy breakfasts. I'm running out of ideas and I don't like oatmeal.
5. Angela doesn't like being pressured into something. I'll feel cornered and then run away. You gotta ease in gently.
6. Why must it pour when it rains?! I guess competition is good. Provides a catalyst. But why? Why do guys need competition. So does that mean flirt with the guy I'm sorta interested in in front of the guy i'm really interested in? (See # 12) Not like hard core flirting but just enough to make him wonder about his how secure he is in my heart?
7. I really like this song. Blackout by Breathe Carolina. I'm not sure why. :) I've listened to it several times already today.
8. I still have trust issues with guys. I recognize it is something I need to get over so that is a good step. I just hope that by me telling guys they recognize that they shouldn't add to my reasons for mistrust. 
9. I love Dr Pepper.
10. Dr Horrible makes me smile :)
11. Yay damage control.
12. All the dating things I've heard the past few days/weeks/months keep saying to back off and let the guys take control. It must be true. I've been trying to be better at this and it is interesting the results that happen when you do back off. Let the guy chase. I have a hard time finding that line. I feel like I go too far to the other side where I just seem completely uninterested. (See also #6)
13. I forgot how much I enjoy the gym. :)

Marriage = Adulthood??

I'm in a different stage of life than most of my friends. I'm single. I honestly love where I am right now. I don't mean this post to be a complaint, more of an observation. I have noticed that to many people, being married means you have finally reach adulthood. You don't reach adulthood when you turn 18 years old. You don't reach adulthood when you are 21 or even when you reach 25. If you are single you are still not "an adult".

Now, I'm obviously excluding single people who have children. The addition of children is a completely different subject.  And I'm only seeing this from my perspective inside the LDS world.

Why is there such a big gap between single and married?

Could it be that as a single individual you are responsible for only one person, yourself? This lack of responsibility makes you not 'mature' enough to be an adult. Even a full time job at a large company doesn't put you into the 'adult' world.

I have found in general, married people (unless they are one generation older) tend to have difficulty conversing with single individuals. I love the women in my parents ward. Most of them are very near my age if not my age or younger. But they treat me as they would a teenager. Not knowing how to talk to me and in many cases leaving me out of the conversation completely. Part of it may be my fault. I don't have a lot of experience with children so the part that their lives revolve around I know nothing about. Anyway, I'm rambling now.

It is just an interesting thought. I am grateful for those married friends who take the time and effort to relate and include me in their lives.

Thoughts One Through Four

1. I have really small fingers. Long but skinny. Which is why I don't wear many rings... they just do not fit. Same thing with bracelets. They just do not stay on.

2. Gift giving is a huge weakness of mine. I'm terrible at it. I do think about it before hand but I procrastinate until it is too late. I'm seriously working on this.

3. I'll be back in Utah in about two weeks. I'm gonna miss England terribly but I'm ready to go back for several reasons. I'm torn. Too bad these countries are so far apart.

4. I have weeks of photos and stories of my Europe adventures to post but haven't yet. I probably won't get to them until I get back to the states.

Letting Go

I learned it is ok. It is ok to be upset about things. It is ok to be mad at people who have not treated you as well as they should have.

I have been struggling with actually being mad and upset with people who have hurt me. I have tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have made up excuses for them. I have tried and tried to think kindly of them. However, instead of the expected feeling of relief and peace I found that the things they have done to me just ate at me. It was hurting me more to be kind. Last night after having good conversations with a few close friends I finally allowed myself let it all go. I'm not sure what it was. Just a shift in thought I guess.

I am tired of guys using me. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of people not caring. I'm tired of people killing my trust.

The moment came when I realized that things people have done to me in the past were not nice. People can just be jerks sometimes. I do forgive them for what they have done but sometimes the pain still remains. The trust has been broken and it is hard to let that go.

After having a good think about that I began to let things go and 'look up'. My friend Laura sent me a link to President Monson's Conference talk from April 2009. It fit perfectly.

Be of Good Cheer

Today, however, I’d like us to turn our thoughts and our attitudes away from the troubles around us and to focus instead on our blessings as members of the Church. The Apostle Paul declared, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” ¹

None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges—and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened. However, we are told, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” ²

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.” ³

There will be challenges and misfortunes. But be positive. Look forward... and step into the dark.

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: “Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown!” And he replied: “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than [a] light and safer than a known way.” ⁷

-M. Louise Haskins

Everyone needs...

 ... a friend, a responsibility and nurturing with the good word of God. (link to talk)

I have been troubled by several things lately. I wasn't sure how to express my troubles and concerns let alone how to fix the problems. Then I heard someone quote President Hinckley's article about helping converts. It all fit. I'm not going to regurgitate the article. It is short AND I highly recommend reading it (link is above).

The part that struck me the most and helped piece together my troubles was the last section about finding the lost one. I had to post it. Emphasis added.

“In a recent press interview I was asked, ‘What brings you the greatest satisfaction as you see the work of the Church today?’

“My response: ‘The most satisfying experience I have is to see what this gospel does for people. It gives them a new outlook on life. It gives them a perspective that they have never felt before. It raises their sights to things noble and divine. Something happens to them that is miraculous to behold. They look to Christ and come alive.’

“Now, … I ask each of you to please help in this undertaking. Your friendly ways are needed. Your sense of responsibility is needed. The Savior of all mankind left the ninety and nine to find the one lost. That one who was lost need not have become lost. But if he is out there somewhere in the shadows, and if it means leaving the ninety and nine, we must do so to find him. (See Luke 15:3–7.)” 8

I have been bothered by the judgmental-ness of people in the church of those lost sheep who so desperately need help. They want help. They are asking for help. Pleading even. And because of their past mistakes we shun them and leave them in the cold, alone and helpless. I have been humbled by the pain and hurt that is expressed by the lost sheep wanting to come back but finding cold shoulders instead.

What happened to repentance?

What happened to forgiveness?

What happened to being Christian?

Smelling the Flowers

It appears I have forgotten that there are flowers!!

I realized yesterday evening after getting back from my day's adventures a few incredible things.

I'm in ENGLAND!!! Words can't describe that statement enough. Last weekend I was sitting at the statue in Trafalgar Square staring at Big Ben that was down the road. I was in a swarm of people from all over the world sitting in a place that many people only dream of.  On top of that I was doing nothing there. Just sitting. No where to rush off to. Nothing huge to see. Just time to sit and take in London.

Yesterday I drove in England. I went to a beach. I spent time with guys from a country that is several thousand miles from where I was living a month ago. I sat in their living rooms and saw their families. I was in a place that people don't dream about because they don't ever think about it. I think this was more monumental for me than being at the footsteps of Big Ben. I was witnessing someone's life. People I had never met until that day and people I've only known for a few weeks.

I'm not sure why this brought so much awe. But it has. Do we ever really think about where we are? Even if we have lived somewhere for our whole lives, do we ever pause to think about the 100,000 of people who would like to be in our place or who would find our lives just fascinating.

I'm not doing a very good job explaining my thoughts but I hope I have conveyed the gratitude I have for this opportunity to be here. I will try to always smell the flowers and really remember where I am.

entertain me.

I don't mean to be so pessimistic in my posts but things have been difficult lately and so the little things are coming up to the top.

I am getting to the point where I am standing up for myself. I'm ready to actually fight back. I'm ready to be bold and be me. Here we go.

I am tired of being the "I'm only talking to you because I'm bored" friend. Please care about me because you actually care about me. Not because you have nothing better to do. Talk to me because you want to get to know me. Not because you need to be entertained.

I'm fed up of the texts, chats, phone calls and Facebook messages that literally say, "I'm bored." And sub-textually say, "I have no one else to talk to and you are my last resort and as soon as I find something better I'll forget you again." That isn't a friend and don't be surprised if I don't respond.

There is a difference between old friends catching up every once and a while. I love those moments and live for those. I am also very grateful for those friends that are really friends and really do care about me. I don't know what I would do without you.

Friendly Reminder

I was reminded today of how single I am. Fake smile.

Eye of the Storm

I can finally breathe. I'm taking the big deep breath before I plunge in again. 

This week I started and finished a research report in 4 days. Why only 4 days, you ask? Because I haven't had time, period. I was working on another research paper that was due last week. I'm glad it is over. I have been at school/work from 9 to 5 every day. Then I go home for an hour and back up on campus until 11pm or later. Try to fall asleep at midnight and getting up at 7. It hasn't been easy. Now lets add a few things on top of that:

Eating food

Sleep

Preparing for my internship

Getting Internship papers signed

Packing up my stuff

Doing my other homework

Keeping the apartment clean

Doing dishes

Training my job replacement

Trying to figure out how to keep my job when I come back 

Finding a new roommate for next year, not to mention sp/su.

I'm not looking for pity or anything. I just wanted to share my week. Oh and next week, I get to do it all again!!! yay school.

Movies and TV Shows

In the midst of prepping to move, I have found time to watch a few things. I really like shows that inspire me to do something. I love movies that make me ponder life. I also love to just be entertained. Here are a few things I've watched the past few weeks.

Avatar

I was at first very wary about this movie. Another Sci-fi movie... right. Wrong. Loved it. The technology used to make this movie is incredible!!! Plot line... not the best. Kind of like a future Pocahontas. The technology made me wonder what people who died in the 50s, 60s and even 70s would think about it. I bet they would be blown out of their seats. Everything looks so real. Even compared to Star Wars... wow.

Julie and Julia

First time I've seen it. Not gonna lie... made me want to learn how to cook. A piece of my resolution for the 2010 is to cook every once and a while.

Invictus

What a well made movie! I really liked this movie. It brought forth many questions about the history of this nation., the things that Mandela did for his nation and what was life like after this time period. I also want to know how rugby works. I wanna go to a rugby game in England.

The Holiday

Last movie of 2009. Super cute.

She's the Man

My first movie of the New Year was She's the Man. Love it. Love Amanda Bynes' facial expression. Love the many, many attractive men. Love the super awkward moments.

Chuck

Love, love, love Chuck. I can't wait for Season 3. I got my whole family hooked and we watched all of season 1 and 2 in a week and a half.

Front door lights

In driving around at night I have found that people no longer turn their front porch light on. This is so unwelcoming. I wonder why this is. Do we really just not want visitors? Or do we really just forget to turn them on? Anyway just a rambling.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I need a break

I'm beginning the 3 weeks from "down under" as I prepare for the end of a semester.

Positive note first: Thanksgiving was a great break! I love seeing my family and spending time in my home where love abounds. It was super fun to go shopping, watch movies, eat lots and cheer for BSU and BYU. It is crazy to think that that home will be gone in a few weeks.

Less positive note/reason for this post: my to do list was created today. It is growing way too fast. I have projects to complete, papers to write, families to analyze, books to read, quizzes to take, scholarships to apply for, internships to organize, work to do, passports to pick up, visas to apply for, insurance to figure out, tests to study for, stuff to organize, presents to buy/make just to name a few.

I am excited to finish up everything but it is going to be a lot of focused work (I hear work is good for you). I just finished my scholarship applications and needed a break from intense brain usage before I begin frying it again. I'm sure I will post more the next 3 weeks than usual as a break from the brain fry-age.

I also just got on Skype in preparation for England. Come find me. :)

Pockets, green pants and once every 4 years

As I was walking to work this morning I was considering the pocket. What an odd thing the pocket is. We stick things in them. Some are huge. Others are pointless because you can't fit a thing in them. Some are just for looks. Some are used to keep hands warm. Some are in the oddest places (like in snow pants - pockets down by your foot). In general, humans seem to like to put their hands in their pockets. I wonder why...

Not only are pockets something to think about, so are colors. Why is it that blue goes with everything? We all wear blue jeans; not pink jeans or purple jeans. Why is it that? Why doesn't neon green go with everything? Who decided that blue went with everything? Don't get me wrong, I like the color blue. I am just curious as to why blue.

I realized today, that this day only happens once every 4 years!!! I am not sure what I am going to do with it! I feel like I should do something special but at the same time I don't feel like doing anything super crazy. But we shall see!